I'm angry at the moment

I'm angry at the moment and I just want to punch everything go crazy I hate keeping anger side it just makes things worse. Arguments I don't understand why hey exist sometimes they just complicate things, everything in the world at times seem to overbearing like how much of one things can you take. Everything is getting ridiculous especially when it comes to money I feel our system is fucked up, because it makes no sense to me at least paper money. I don't get the concept honestly how paper make the world move. Anywho I m just angry at the fact that I have to be patient with some thing that I feel i shouldnt be patient with I just want to scream and Im just randomgly writng thing to allow my mind to cool down, even if it deosntmake sense to anyone it makes sense to me because, it allows me to vent through writing even if Im uncertain of what I'm writing.

At this moment I miss my partner just way to much. I just want thing to go back to normal.

Do you know

Do you know? How much I love you.
I try with all effort to describe the feeling,
with every try I fall further.

Don't you know? That it pains me.
When you are away, even when the days are short.
Night of Endless pain.

You should know. My eyes peer towards the sky,
past cosmos to the deepest part of ancient space.
Where prayers travel. I pray, the only importance of my life is you.

Did you know? in that same space.
The twinkles lights like angles that watch over our earth,
Watch over you.

Many have tried to explain this feeling. Why should I be worthy
for I'm not, no matter how much I might try. I ask God never to unveil the
mystery of my love for you.

I would rather face death than knowing why I feel this way.
My love for you is immortal and immortal it shall last, and uniquely the same
it will be immortally shouldered in mystery.

This is how much I care for you.

Did you know?
Don't you know?
Do you know? Now how much.


I Love you.

its been a couple of days

Its been a few days since I have posted anything new and a lot of internal feeling have been going on, just a lot of confusion. Always the struggle to accept that God loves me its tough. No, I don't believe that I'm suffering cause I'm gay per say I'm suffering because I will not know that what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong till I die, but I will keep loving God no matter what and if it turn out that being gay was wrong them I accept my damnation when I will be faced with it. It's just that I wish that people would allows us to be close to God that I could go to a place of worship without being felt as if I was a freak, an outcast, or that to try to convert me to being straight because I tried. That pain caused me and the people around more pain than ever. Because I tried to take my life that was 10 years ago. I will never allow myself to be so selfish, fooled or persuaded. The struggles I have with God should be mine and should not be subjected to the comments of a religion. Though I wish to worship like everyone else just leave us alone. Leave us alone so that we may find the peace we seek with God, and let God damn us if we are meant to be damned.

What do I feel.

I am uncertain of what I deeply feel, because I can not understand. I often think it is not meant to be understood but that just makes the pain worse. Not knowing that God loves you. That’s because there is a slight chance that being who I am will only bring me sorrow and damnation. Although there is hope in my heart that, that which I tell myself about Gods damnation is not how its meant to be. That my struggle with allowing God to love me for who I am is possibly a test or maybe a way to pave the way to what Gods plan is meant to be.

They say God works in ways that we can not understand, that saying, that one true fact is very painful. Because as long as there is no concrete proof would make those of faith accept homosexuality, being gay will always be a sin. As I look back to the trailing past that shapes our future I can not help but shed a tear at the many lives indifference has cost. I wonder if it was meant to make a difference and if so has it worked, back fired or are we in stuck in loop that we have yet to break free from.

These feelings of confusion are where the battle of my heart, soul and mind lie. It’s an all out war, and I am uncertain if we are winning or losing. Should we be accepting God as they have preached, and fear damnation, or do we continue to keep hope that our lifestyle is accepted in God eyes. Then again there is another alternative should we turn our backs on God until He proves to the world that we should be accepted for who we are. This war is painful, it eats away at my soul there is never any rest from the thought that we’re not worth the love of God. Even when it seems the feeling has passed it is always there secretly feeding from my soul. Devouring every bit of energy the affects are devastating for at times I can’t help but be angry. I look towards my ceiling past the sky through the deepest cosmos and express my anger to God. Guilt slowly sets in, guilt because at that very moment I turn my back on God. The pain increases within my heart, mind, and soul, becoming over bearing devouring every distinction that makes me human. Beginning to strains my heart to a point where I feel the pain against my chest. To a point where death seem a better alternative, or possibly just disappearing like when one release dust against the blowing wind.

Then I come back to a reality that I can’t live without God. The word being godless does not compute in my mind. To be faithless feels greatly more terrible than death. My soul dies everyday because it is conflicted between a belief that I am handed to me, and a belief of faith. My heart does not know which one should be taken as truth and which one is meant to deceive me.

If there’s anything that I wish for more than anything in this world, It’s to know before I lie in eternal sleep that God loves me. Such a wish might be to much to ask for, even to much to begin to comprehend. Therefore if not that, I wish to find some peace of mind in trying, no matter if trying leads no where.