What do I feel.

I am uncertain of what I deeply feel, because I can not understand. I often think it is not meant to be understood but that just makes the pain worse. Not knowing that God loves you. That’s because there is a slight chance that being who I am will only bring me sorrow and damnation. Although there is hope in my heart that, that which I tell myself about Gods damnation is not how its meant to be. That my struggle with allowing God to love me for who I am is possibly a test or maybe a way to pave the way to what Gods plan is meant to be.

They say God works in ways that we can not understand, that saying, that one true fact is very painful. Because as long as there is no concrete proof would make those of faith accept homosexuality, being gay will always be a sin. As I look back to the trailing past that shapes our future I can not help but shed a tear at the many lives indifference has cost. I wonder if it was meant to make a difference and if so has it worked, back fired or are we in stuck in loop that we have yet to break free from.

These feelings of confusion are where the battle of my heart, soul and mind lie. It’s an all out war, and I am uncertain if we are winning or losing. Should we be accepting God as they have preached, and fear damnation, or do we continue to keep hope that our lifestyle is accepted in God eyes. Then again there is another alternative should we turn our backs on God until He proves to the world that we should be accepted for who we are. This war is painful, it eats away at my soul there is never any rest from the thought that we’re not worth the love of God. Even when it seems the feeling has passed it is always there secretly feeding from my soul. Devouring every bit of energy the affects are devastating for at times I can’t help but be angry. I look towards my ceiling past the sky through the deepest cosmos and express my anger to God. Guilt slowly sets in, guilt because at that very moment I turn my back on God. The pain increases within my heart, mind, and soul, becoming over bearing devouring every distinction that makes me human. Beginning to strains my heart to a point where I feel the pain against my chest. To a point where death seem a better alternative, or possibly just disappearing like when one release dust against the blowing wind.

Then I come back to a reality that I can’t live without God. The word being godless does not compute in my mind. To be faithless feels greatly more terrible than death. My soul dies everyday because it is conflicted between a belief that I am handed to me, and a belief of faith. My heart does not know which one should be taken as truth and which one is meant to deceive me.

If there’s anything that I wish for more than anything in this world, It’s to know before I lie in eternal sleep that God loves me. Such a wish might be to much to ask for, even to much to begin to comprehend. Therefore if not that, I wish to find some peace of mind in trying, no matter if trying leads no where.