Oh! hmm

Yeah well I have not much to say or type. It's hot and im hating it with all the passion you can hate a temperature I'm even making deal with Autumn under the table hoping it last a bit longer than usual. Nothing wrong with summer as a matter of I think summer is lovely especially in the evening when the stars are barely piercing through the sunset sky. It's even better when you have someone to share it with, and I do.

Any who lately as I mentioned I have been having this dream that i want to put into story but I can seem to do it maybe cause its a bit personal. Then again when isnt writing personal we all add a bit of truth to our writing. Bits and pieces of our soul, or at least our views and ideas about the world and humanity. I was going to say society but the word society is old and retardted we are all HUMAN first yes, me and my humanitarian views because I choose to see past the vail of anything else. So society just doesnt fit the description i was going for society implies some type of social structure and with all social structure we get race, religion, sex, and economy in the mix and no my thoughts aren't about that, they are more than just that. They are about humanity and how fucked up we've become, and how compassion we can be if we just try a little.

You don't have to have lots of money to make a difference you don't have to even donate to chairities, the most important out reach to humanity starts at home. Yes! at home! if we can teach compassion within the boundaries of our own walls we can change the world.

Finished!

If your wondering why the heck i have so many post under one date its simple, I have abandon my old blogging site and i just transferred a whole lot of writing from one site to blogger.

It took a total of 2 hours and 18 minutes hopefully blogger can offer more of what I need instead of more of what I don't need. I never want to do that again. I also hope blogger doesn't run into problem and shuts down until I die once I die blogger can do whatever the freak it wants!

Anywho I should eat breakfast or something! Because i feel like un-energetic

The Gold Fish Method! December 23/08

if you find yourself not being able to sleep think of this


A GIANT GOLD FISH GIANT eating a smaller Giant gold fish so on and so forth

GIANT<GIANT<GIANT<GIANT<GIANT<GIANT<GIANT

Midnight Flower! Decemeber 11/08

There is a flower that has the power to heal any ailment. So one day this beautiful girl went in search for it, because she had a broken heart her lover had recently died, and she searched long and hard. Meeting many interesting people along the way. Years had pasted when finally she found the flower by the lake. It was dark, and one as the legend goes one would say it was midnight.

So sadden by the memory of her lost lover, she proceed to eat the flower. She had met a lot of interesting people along the road including a sage who warned her not to take it. "In life cycles begin the way they always end, there is hope in time, and all shall be made right, for the gods have only the best intent" He told her, yet she didn't listen. As she ate the flower her heart filled with joy. As she drifted into her dreams. She began to remember all the beautiful time she passed in the sun filled fields with her lover. Suddenly her pain grew more sharply now. She had only fooled her self, the flower was a myth it had no curing properties and she had wasted years on false hope, so sadden by her disappointment she gave her body to the earth vowing not to allow any one go in search for rare beauties, never to receive anything in return. As she lay the rays of the moonlight slowly turned her body into the beautiful midnight flower, that is said only to grow at midnight.

It is said that before she gave her life flowers were plain white and to have no sweetness, and no variation of colors. That is why they say flowers smell beautiful because it is the sweetness of the memory of her lover that exudes from them. So each time you find a flower you leave with something whether it is sheer beauty of it, or just a sweet smell, and some would go as far to say that if you look hard enough by the lakes, that you can catch a rare glimpse of a rare midnight flower, that is now to be said to have healing abilities.

Hollow! December 07/08

life is uncertainty
the edge is near
melancholy time

just a step
the edge is near
would it matter
arms of death


I feel hollow

changing time
same old shell
do I go
do I stay

Arms of death
no one to blame
just a step

I feel hollow

Broken dreams
the edge draws near
Do I go
Do I stay

I am hollow.

Give Me A Chance! November 09/08

Answer me David, a voice blared full of frustration. This is the third time you've come home with an "F" . His mother frustrated at the pile of unsatisfactory grades. Tell him something Stephen she screamed at her husband who was callous at the situation, he had no interest in dealing with his own child. Go up to your room, directing her voice toward David. David was a young 7 year old boy if one would run into him in the streets he would be defined as the perfect image of innocents. He had sandy blond hair, blue eyes, a small nose and round face. David kept quiet most of the time, he always did what he was told. Never a complaint.

Lately that was not the case his grades declining gradually. If one would dive into recent event one would understand why. His parent were constantly arguing for a few months now. They were on the brink of a divorce. Like all parent sometimes they do not realize the affect this might have on a young child.

David was very imaginative and artistic one only need to look at his water colors and it became apparent that David was no ordinary boy. Smarter than all his class this is why it was a grave concern that his grade declined in the few months.

It was late now and it was Davids bed time. His mother now in the room with him. I'm sorry, I yelled at you today. I'm just concerned for honey, you know we as your parent love you. she said. Are you and Dad okay he asked. David was old enough and smart enough to understand what as going on. Your dad and I are just having grown up problem and we are trying to fix it as best we can, she replied. Are you and dad getting a divorce, he asked. I don't know David, now why don't you go to sleep. Okay, he said, as he was kissed good night.

The next day things seemed usual David awoke to find breakfast ready, he ate and continued his daily routine and went upstairs to get dressed. While upstairs his parents began to argue as they did for the past six months every morning. What time are you coming home? she asked. I have to work late today so don't wait up for me, he replied. You mean your going to see her, she threatened. That my business remember, we agreed to a Divorce, he replied. Right, you bastard she screamed you had to ruin our family. Lower your voice before our son hear you bitching. David are you ready she screamed, not realizing that David had been listening by the stair.

David now quiet, more than usual as she drove him to school. Are you okay honey ? she asked. I know you and dad are getting a Divorce he somberly replied. I know honey, I know. She now knew she could not hide it anymore. I'm sorry baby, we tried. As he stepped out of the SUV. He then hurried into his class.

His teacher had noticed his change in attitude and his general demeanor. It was apparent in his recent art work, it was full of anger his strokes were heavy and abstract, the dark reds, blacks where the only colors used lately. He now kept to himself. His teacher began to worry. He though it be a good idea to talk to him, but each time he tried David avoided the subject and kept quiet.

All those around David where shocked at his composer, how he never seemed to talk or express in words how he felt. He never once cried, nor did he show that he would so.

That night he went home with his mother, they ate dinner without his father. He waited patiently hopeful that his dad would walk in. It was now late and his father seemed that he was not coming home. His mother sent him to bed. It was more apparent now, his expression somber as he gently drifted to sleep.

2 hour later David was awaken by loud cry's and screams. His father had came home, and was now beating his mother, he had had to much to drink. He grabbed her and slammed her against the wall. As she screamed in pain. You bitch, your no good. Your worthless denying me of pleasure, that why I got it somewhere else, he yelled. As she cried on the floor now her gaze focused she realized that David was in the room. No, no, honey go back to your room. David was in shock now. What you don't like me hurting mommy, as his father slapped her across the face. Look at your mommy now as he continued to beat her the sound of flesh against pavement was all that broke the silence.

David began to scream, Stop! daddy! Stop! He began to tear as he crawled up into a ball, his anger began to build. The veins in his eyes red and defined as his anger continued to grow. Stop! he yelled and his screams louder than before piercing the air, growing louder and bouncing and echoing off the walls. David had held all the anger and sadness in him, it began to overwhelm him.

No one truly knows what happened next, but there are theories and from the evidence amongst the fires remains was the most compelling of all a perfectly formed casing of ash of a young boy.

All that sadness and Anger he had held overwhelmed him to the point that his body gathered energy from his surrounding causing him to glow bright yellow, and explode. An explosion so big that it not only burned his own home, but burned three surrounding homes.

That was the last time anyone had seen David he had no choice, not a chance did his selfish parent give him to live, and he did the only thing he knew. Giving his life, in a hope that his memory of his family would remain as he wished it to be. One full of hope and happiness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is sad when a child has to endure such pain. This story is dedicated to all those who have experienced such pain, and know the feeling of just wanting to explode.

Beauty! November 07/08

**A break from my short story**


In a distant land

A radiant flower lie

the presence alone

moving and inspirational

As rain gently

showers on alluring

petals

A sirens cry

unique, rare

incomparable

Leaving a void

now only yearning

to hear

Showers on

Radiant flower

petals

Moving and Inspirational

unique, rare

incomparable

Dedicated to the beautiful Tarja Turenen

Short Story 1 Chp 4 September 30/08

Walking in his direction he was under a large tree it was a cloudy October day there was a strong breeze, he was wearing his favorite long coat jacket, against the dead yellow grass and the falling red yellow leaves of autumn it looked ominous. As I got closer to give him a huge he was anxious and began to speak. "hurry" , "God what happened to hi, or a huge". "I have no time for your games". Excuse me I replied. Michael it's your fault, he said. My fault what are you talking about, trying to forget and hoping he hadn't found out that I had stolen his suitcase. You stole my suitcase he replied. In an instance I came up with various excuses to give him, but since he had found out, it didn't feel right to lie. So I did, I replied. How did you find out I asked? Because you entered the wrong information he replied. As you now know I am not a civil engineer, but chemical. I know that this might come as a shock. My name isn't David. I am Dr. Isaiah Presagio. What! I replied. I was in a total state of shock for the past couple of year I had been in love and living with a man I totally knew nothing about gathering my thoughts I didn't know what to say trying to focus. All I could say was okay, okay, okay. So why is this important? why are you angry with me? When all this time you have been lying to me, I should be the one with the anger. I am angry because this can jeopardize my whole project. My 8 year of research can be given to someone else. Not to mention that its top secret, and can lose my job, I keep reassuring my superiors that you won't say anything about what you saw. Even at this moment they are tracing me because of you, and I warn they will be tracing you until everything has cooled down he replied. I wasn't aware that the government was so afraid of the EPA or PETA, I am sorry David…I mean Isaiah; I didn't mean to potentially get you fired. What I don't understand is why did you have to change your name? I asked. You don't get it do you he replied in dejecting tone. Yes I get it perfectly you guys are experimenting on animal which is against the law. I'm not ignorant you know. Isaiah didn't reply and just walked off, from a distance he yelled it be well to stay out of my business, and not mention my real name to anyone. Understood! as he got into his car and slammed the door. I was furious he always treated me like a child always assuming that I had no idea of the world. I wanted to cry all my hope and dreams of getting back with Isaiah formerly known as David were lost; I was in love with David not Isaiah. For I knew nothing about him, it felt as if I was imagining all the love and care I put into my former relationship. I had to keep my promise I had cause to much trouble not to. I was confused about many things, why is the government experimenting on animals what is he working on, and why is it so important that the public is not aware, who would believe me if I tried. As I walked to the car he began to slowly sprinkle then rapidly it picked up, as I opened the door, I sat inside my car for a moment, when I noticed a car in the distance. I started the engine, and drove off. As I was driving I notice that the same car that was at the park was now a couple of cars behind me, this didn't alarm me. After all Isaiah did say that they were going to trace me, for the mean time. I just ignored it I was devastated, I still could not believe that I never had a relationship with a real person, how could I, if I knew nothing about him. I arrived home feeling down I laid in bed and fell asleep.

I awoke it was Monday morning, I disliked Monday because everyone started there week on Monday. Monday morning was like a Friday night busy on the street busy at your job, and generally people annoying you. I got up took a shower, ate breakfast, and headed to work. On the road I always have been a road rage personality, I disliked stupid driver often honked my horn and gave the finger. I didn't want to be at work people always asking of me, I was a manager at a restaurant. Not some prestigious restaurant just a regular restaurant. I sat in my office and decided to slack off and let my assistant management handle the day. The day barely started when I received a phone call it was John, he asked me if I wanted to see him tonight, I saw him almost everyday, I was growing tire of it. Yet for reason unknown I couldn't say no. The hours passed so slow in my office, acting as if I was in my head in paper work, and delivery and inventory sheets. Eventually it was time to go to home and I had not accomplished anything that day, arriving home to my surprise John was already there, I had given him a key. I was so frustrated but tried not to show it. He began to ask me question. So…what did you and David talk about? He asked. Uh nothing I can't tell you I replied. I could see it in his face he was disappointed once more that I left him out of the loop. We began to argue. Why can't you tell me he yelled. I just can't okay, you have to understand that I replied. Oh why is that I always have to understand your circumstance to your liking he replied. Because that the way I am, and if you don't like it you can just leave. Are you still in love with him? He yelled. No, I'm not in love with him, you don't know anything do you, I'm in love with your best friend I yelled back. He was quiet, and he began to tear. I'm sorry I have been in love with your best friend since the beginning and I made a mistake okay, I should have gone out with him. It slipped out and there was nothing I could do to stop from letting it flow. That day John and I were over.

Two weeks had passed and it was Halloween I had no plans. I still kept in touch with Isaiah even though there had been deceit on both of our parts we valued friendship to just allow it to go to waste. Everything seemed to calm down by now the whole incident with the suitcase looking outside my window I didn't see prying eyes into my life anymore. I had forgotten about the whole thing as people often do when one make a mistake that causes harm to others. I sat at home thinking if I should go out or stay in, amongst my though the occasional shout "Trick or Treat", and the simple task of getting up off my chair walking towards the highly decorated door and patio and handing out candy. Halloween was my favorite time of the year it allowed a person to become there wildest dream, or worst nightmares, allowing you to be someone you are not for one night. I picked up the phone after some thinking to call Isaiah, I had called him on and off, but we had not seen each other since that day at the park. I had begun to fall in love with him again, or maybe I was fooling myself thinking that I never loved him even though I knew nothing about him. There was an ache to be with him, life just seemed empty, no one had that kind of understanding he had. I began to dial his phone number when there was a knock on the door. I placed the receiver on the end table, walked to the door. It was two police officers. "Excuse me sir, are you Michael Escobar", yes I replied, "We are sorry to inform you that David Saenz is dead", "you were the only number listed in his emergency contacts". My Face dropped, I was about to call him is all i could think of, I began to tear. "We can see this is a bad timing we need to ask you a few questions" handing me a card, "please stop by the station at a better time".

Short Story 1 Chp 3 September 25/08

As the screen lit up, it asked to input my name, entering David's name. Automatically it connected to the internet via satellite, and directed me to files on what seemed to be a database. There was one folder titled, "Documentations" before I opened that folder I noticed another one titled Chemicals, and since I was no chemist I knew nothing about the type of chemicals described. So I immediately bore and went to the documentation folder, I double clicking, opened and displayed a long list, what seemed over 4 years of videos. I double clicked the most recent dated one. It began to download into the laptop, and windows media player popped into life. The film was fuzzy at fist then the camera focused, I couldn't see David's face but his voice began to speak. " Here we injected the host with a new formula", as the video continued the cat began to become afraid it seemed at first, then it began to convulse a bit, spitting up blood, then it skin began to break out in red boils, and then it began to wail and started to hiss and jump, beginning to claw his way out of the cage, then silence as it became a black and white mass of stillness, he laid there his chest faintly moving up and down, then absolutely nothing. No sound, except for David's voice. He began to comment how the new formula was almost ready, how he just needed to figure out how to bypass the pathogen from breaking down molecular structure, causing the body to reject it. As he panned out I saw tons of animals slowly dying, from birds to dogs, even sea creatures. I couldn't stand no more as I was going to turn off the Lap top, a message appeared "CODE 52 Violation please verify identity, Enter name now" I wasn't sure what I had done wrong, I began to panic closed the Lap top, and the only thing I could think is to drive to David's home and leave the case in his patio. Hoping he wouldn't notice, I ran to the car, with suitcase in hand and headed to David's home. Luckily it seemed that he was out for the night, having my old house key I broke into his home and placed the lap top where it originally was, hoping that nothing would come out of the incident.

A week had passed, and I was still shocked that David was not a civil engineer at all, but a chemical engineer. How could he hurt all those animals I said to myself. What was the pathogen for? Was it a possible cure for something, then it wouldn't be so bad, maybe it was a new pesticide or for industrial use or new medical study? Whatever it was it was disturbing to watch all them animals die, if PETA would know about this or the EPA I was certain he would surely get into trouble. I put it out of my head, I was meeting John where I always did at the mall, why we choose to met at the mall because it was close, and I could walk there instead drive and we usually walked to my apartment, even though he lived a few blocks away we were seeing each other almost everyday. I honestly feel in love with him, but maybe I was moving to fast for my own feeling, so fast that I wasn't aware that I had not given myself time to heal. We always had a good time, but I began to feel a bit smothered, and it was partially my fault, but I was confused I did not wanted to be alone, but I also wanted space. I wanted a boyfriend and a best friend. It was apparent to me that you could not have one or the other without certain aspect of what I was so greedy to obtain taken out. A friend would see each other less, but then I would feel alone. A friend wouldn't get to close, especially as a gay man, because often it gets confused with a deeper feeling. We went back to apartment he spent the night that day, and had fun that night.

The next morning I kept receiving phone calls it was 6 AM, having a late night I was sleepy, I kept rejecting the calls without notice at who was calling. The kept receiving calls and the volume became unbearable that I was forced to wake and answer the phone. When I answered it was David he seemed pissed, he screamed into the phone I need to see you today, meet me at memorial park at 4 p.m. Don't be late, before I could even reply he hanged up. John asked me who it was, I replied it was David he wants me to meet him at memorial park. Can I go? John asked. I replied no, he seemed pretty mad, and John gave me that face of disappointment that I always left him out of the loop when it came to David, if he only knew I was still in love with David, but was also in love with his best friend. Which was confusing on its own, john and I, had breakfast that early morning, spent some time playing some video games, it was 2 p.m. after all that fun. I stated that it was time for him to leave and allow me to get ready. He was mildly disappointed and he headed home. I began to get ready to jump into the shower and meet David, choosing what to wear. Somewhere in my delusion I was hoping that even though he sounded angry he was going to ask me to go back with him. That he realized that I was all that he wanted, and would apologize and change. I began to iron my close, then put them on a hanger, It was 2:30 now and I quickly jumped into the shower as I often took 45 minutes to shower. I always sang in the shower, it made me relax, or I would often sit on the tub and left the water from the shower head fall on me, and would imagine it was rain. So I began to sit, as I sat there closing my eyes the cool water falling on my head, small droplets of white light, piecing every dark part of my soul, a surge of electrical white current from the water removing all the negativity from my body and washing down into the drain to be recycled into the life cycle, I was deep into meditation before I realized that 20 minutes had passed. Quickly stood up and began to wash. 25 minutes later I was done, began to dry, put deodorant and cologne, got dressed and was out the door.

I arrived 10 minutes late, and David was already waiting for me by the turtle. He seemed anxious as I stepped out of the car. I began to head that way to greet him. Whatever it was bothering him, he was unhappy.

Short Story 1 Chp 2 September 22/08

It was Saturday evening and finally had time alone, I hurried to the car to retrieve the suitcase. Ran into the apartment and into the bedroom, then for a moment I sat and battled my inner thoughts should I open the case. Guilt was starting to set in, but then I remembered how much grief this suitcase represented, how it messed up my relationship with David and how he was making time for someone else but could never do that for me. Suddenly my guilt was gone and I began to fidget with the five digital alpha numeric key pad, it had a neon green glow, with notable contrasting dark black display. It contained ten characters the numbers 1-5 and the letters A-E. The passkey being only five of all the possible mixed combination, which is 1260 possible combination. This was a bit discouraging because I wasn't sure if he had changed his passkey, and knew that the system had a fail safe which would disable after 3 tries. David was simple and it usually could be read like a book, and his passkeys always were in circulation but they were always the same with just a few changes. I began with the most common one he used, which was 15MIH which meant 15 min in hell. He would always use that phrases it was his favorite argument phrases to throw at me, I rather spend so and so, that be here with you it was always hurtful. Inputting the data I was nervous to press enter, so I inhaled and hoped that it was that, the green neon screen turned a bright red indicating that it was incorrect. So I moved on to the next possible combination, which was a saying of my own, that he found so particularly interesting as we started to fall in love with each other ages ago. 1DEDA, which meant "one death everyday always", so I said to myself if this one doesn't work I will not risk inputting the third one, I rather not get into trouble I thought. The though of someone dying everyday is gruesome but it happens, it was meant more as a reminder that the world goes on, weather we die or live, and we cannot be allowed to be affect by our past, but must also stride not to forget our mistakes. So as I inhaled deeply for the second time, I inputted the code, and to my surprise it worked. Which I was mildly flattered but shocked. Flattered that he would use my quote, and shocked that I was in. As I opened the case as I had never seen inside of it, expecting documents of ground plans, and road plans, dirt specification, I found a couple of documents, and a laptop. A red document which contained a list of chemicals and a blue one, a statement, which was issued by the government which I found rather odd, As I began to read it I began to get more confused that I had previously was. It read "Project Rainstorm- WARNING all personal should be extremely cautions on method of distributing and handling data, all personal in violation of code 52, will be handled accordingly. Furthermore if the data contained in case NO 256, is handled by unauthorized personal can lead to failure of objective code 373" This of course didn't make sense to me, why would a civil engineer have a statement of caution. Why is there a chemical list with what seems a compound drawing of chemical bonds. I opened the laptop, and it was on sleep mode upon opening it, it lit up, and asked me for "CODE RED please enter to proceed" Which I had no idea what it was referring to. So for I moment I got discouraged and placed the entire documents and suitcase on the bed. I went downstairs to feed my cat Salem, he was so stubborn at times he was very thing because he was picky on what he ate, and he had radiant yellow eyes. So typical of a fictional cat, but I loved him. I went back up stairs, to think it over, what could they mean by red code, when I sat down on the bed and almost topped over the lap top, I managed to catch it, but had dropped the two documents, and they landed upside down when I picked them up and notice they had numbers inscribed on the back, One on the red document and one on the blue. When it hit me red code, and blue code that was what the computer was referring to. So I immediately input the codes. What I say next was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen.

Short Story 1 Chp 1 September 19/08

Here I was atop of transmoutain, stopping to look down at the north east, Friday night at a very late hour when I should be partying with my boyfriend, yet he was working as he always was. Working too much for our own benefit, our relationship was on thin ice, and he sends me to run an errand for him. I said to my sister who I picked up for the sake of not being alone, pretending to listen to me. You bitch I yelled in a playful manner, I'm pouring my heart out and your spaced out. Sorry, just enjoying the thunderstorm filled sky; I heard it suppose to be the worst storm El Paso has ever had, she replied. If you have ever been to El Paso you would know that it mostly sunny and hot through out the year, and rain was a luxury to see. As we sat atop the Franklin Mountains the wind began to violently pick up as we look above up, the clouds seem magnificently awesome. I had never seen cloud so dense and dark and lighting flashed so brightly white. As it gently moved a top the Wal-Mart, it began to swirl a bit, nothing we haven't seen so there was no alarm, after all sometimes when the gulf coast would be hit by hurricanes the remaining cloud that drifted were still spinning. Although these cloud were spinning a bit more than usual, mixed with the most radiant lighting flashes and low deep thunderous noises that shook the ground. As we continued to stare in awe from the corner of our eyes an airplane seem to be descending but it was flying directly into the storm, which I found odd, but I put out of my thoughts. Then it began to pour but the cloud were so low that when it did it was truly something that I had never seen it was as someone had just released a large amount of water, onto the city. It resembled when you toss large amount of water on to the pavement, it hits the ground so hard that it splashes back up a bit, and then falls back onto the ground. Unlike usual rain where it hit the grown and splashes a mere inch, no this rain was so dense that it jumped, two or three feet off the ground. So we decided to head back to the truck and finish this errand. Apparently David and the core of engineers had a lab out here, and he forgot to bolt lock the doors, as it was often vandalized. It was in the most out of the way area behind the EPISD building, the one next to a tennis center, a small dirt road lead up to it. Now the storm more violently than ever in the distance I could see the heavy door swinging violently in the wind as I got off the wind was so cold it felt as needle were piercing my skin. As I got closer there was a very strong odor emitting from the lab, of chemicals and moldiness. I hurried and locked the door and was on my way. I dropped my sister off shortly, and then headed home hoping to spend the rest of the night with David, I pulled into the drive way expecting to see the car, and to no surprise he was still working. I hurried in, began to take off my shoes as David walks in. I began to get angry and I drilled him, why is it that you put your work above your partner, we have been together for six year and you still regarding your work higher than me. You are always working and you don't even care to share where you go or are half the time. Roads can't wait? You are a great civil engineer yet they won't give you a break to spend time with your loved ones. Yes honey I understand but this is important to me, I am almost done with this project and then I promise to spend more time with you, he replied as usual. I was fed up I would not let up, and that day David and I broke up. Although we had separated from that day on we regarded each other as good friends.

I began to notice something odd about David the following months that ensued, for beginners he had lost a lot of weight not that he needed but more than usual, so much he began to look sickly. One day while we were out I stated this to him, and he said that work has just been tough, that they were demanding all his time. I never crossed my mind to ask him more than the usual while we were together, but as seeing his condition I began to wonder, as a civil engineer would someone be so stressed out as to lose that amount of body mass. I began to worry, and ask question that seemed normal but not to prying hoping to gather why he was so stressed out. Finally one day I came up with a plan that would scare me enough not to mentioned the information I gathered to anyone, I asked if I could come over, nothing of the ordinary right. Although I had a plan to steal his personal suit case, as he was always misplacing it, and I knew most of his passkeys, but never snooped, I was respectful that much, because I knew that he would only get mad. It was an easy sure to work plan because I knew where he always kept it. The only thing that made this difficult is keeping David isolated or distracted enough to get the case. So I called his boyfriend at the time, since they were both over worked individuals, I though it be nice to surprise David, saying that I secretly invited him so that my boyfriend and I could get to know his boyfriend. Doubt date, eww who does that anymore but it was worth it, I was too curious to stop now. I set our date in a month time.

A month later, and 8 months since we had been separated it was the day where I would take his suitcase. We arrived at David house around 6:30 P.M. he was surprised to see John with me, as he pulled me aside to ask what was going on, his boy friend Joseph arrived and the distraction began, as he was even more surprised as I mutter, well I though we could have dinner with them together. Semi ignoring me, he just nodded. I had met John online, and although everything was well, I couldn't give him the commitment that he wanted at the time, and I was secretly falling in love with his friend, which is bad enough. Since we did not plan on making dinner for 4 we just decided to order Chinese. That is when I would decide to go to the restroom located on the second floor next to our former bedroom. As we sat there conversing about absolutely nothing, beside the usual where we met, and how thing were going, how long we have been going out. The delivery arrived 15 after 7, as I heard him coming up the foot step, I asked to be excused and pointed out to David that I had forgotten my wallet in the car, and if he could go get them, while I went to the restroom and to feel free to take out whatever half of the total was. I handed him the keys and as he walked out the door I ran up the stairs. His, or our former home was very classic it had dark wooden floors and a wooden staircase, so I had to be very careful as where to step or it would make too much noise. I sneaked into the room, he always kept the suit case behind the door, in the corner behind a wooden plank. I would have though he would move it, but he trusted me to much to think I would take it, and you might ask yourself how is it that I know his passkeys, well once you are a "wife" as he referred to me for 6 years you learn a trick or two on snooping, although temped many time to open it, I was not that type of person. So what made the change? The fact that David was not getting any better, and so many looses end that I could not shake. As I removed the suit case I heard David yell are you okay? They all giggled at my absence. Yes I yelled back, almost done. Outside our home was a huge tree, close enough to the window that I could easily climb up and down, so I climbed down, placed the suit case in my car, always carried spare keys, and walk in through the front door since the dining room was off to the back. I had done it, but I was a bit flushed from the excretion Are you okay, David asked as he came looking for me, yeah I replied those stair are a killer I need cut down. I knew he wouldn't ask any more than that, especially since I really honestly needed to cut down. The evening ended with a bang, everything was a success and I knew David wouldn't suspect his suitcase gone till Monday especially since, Joseph would spend the weekend, as he always does when he visits. This made me angry at David because for Joseph, David would always make time.

Prologue: A Short Story september 19/08

Everything was quite, a beautiful night breeze which would give most comfort, only left though of fears. We were the last to leave, As my coach opened up the standard, yet slightly modified military looking bus, the only difference it was fitted with dim blue florescent lights, darkness made it resembled an old neon night club sign, so old that you wonder why? Is it they don't use a new one. I was the first one to board, choosing the seat at the very end, there was not many of us. So the first though that ran into my head is that I could easily stretch out and try to relax, especially since I was hoping Omar would sit with me. Lastly he chooses to sit with John, which I was very confused about, yet I was in no position to complain. As everyone settled down, there was minor relief that we were on the move, but it was obvious. Our exteriors composed as if nothing could affect us, inside we all knew. We were falling apart. In life we search for someone to share hardship with and often feel alone. Nothing in life could have prepared us for what was happening. With no understanding, no one to give us answers. Thoughts of where, when, what if, Where could they be? When can I see them? What if I would have stayed? Our families, friends, lost, now only thoughts and the hope that they are well wherever they might be. Running away, we were fugitives from something that was out of our power to control, a deadly pathogen nearly wiping the eastern coast moving westerly. They named it red death, a compound mixture, polantium bromide. The affect of it were devastating creating red patches and blisters on those affected, but the worst part of it was it neurological effects, would make you incoherent, mad, making you hallucinate, you begin to believe everyone around you is out to harm you. Then the murdering begins, as your hallucinations make you paranoid, destroying your own neighbor, brother, loved one.

As the last person finished boarding, I sat quietly only remembering times past, trying to make sense of when it all began. I knew, remembering. I was a part of it all. Michael... Michael... i hear called out to me.

Dream a Dream! Spetmeber 12/08

Dare I say innocent

Corruption all around us

But sleep is naive to the world

For even though no one possesses total innocence

Thoughts of Wonderful lands, never ending days of friendship, and eternal love

When I see this

Wondering if your dreams

Are as mine, can a dream cross paths

I have often dreamed of

Friends, hearts, and passionate companions

Whose hearts, friends and passionate companions I know not.

And even though no one possesses total innocent

I see peace in you

I stop and begin to feel slight warmth.

In a world full a chaos

Is good to know

That in sleep

There is only peace

I see this in your face

Each time I look at this

I began to want to fall into a deep slumber,

but not alone, but next to the warmth of your peaceful face

Your Radiant hair,

Cutely shaped nose,

Soft lips

All is right in the world

Even in nightmares

Sleep is naive to the corruption of the world

For there is no wrong in a dream

Only Emotions

For even though no one possesses total innocent

Thoughts of Wonderful lands, never ending days of friendship, and eternal love

Is In your face

And some will say

I am taking such invocation of feeling and peace

To an extreme, but this is what I see in your face

While you are acting as though you were sleeping

In the end such sadness come to heart

You are not sleeping truly but acting

And corruption is around the corner

If you ought to look outside and see walls crumbling

And much greater sadness is

To wait for the day when

I will truly see you in a peaceful slumber

And even though no one possesses total innocent

I will sit and stare when that day comes

And only see

Dreams of Peace

Dreams of Wonderful lands,

Dreams of never ending days

Dreams of friendship,

Dreams of eternal love

So I do dare say innocence

Because….

When I see this

Wondering if your dreams

Are as mine, can a dream cross paths

I have often dream of

Friends, hearts, and passionate companions

Whose hearts, friends and passionate companions I know not

And hope to dream next to the warmth of your peaceful face

Your Radiant hair,

Cutely shaped nose,

Soft lips

And dream….

Dreams of Peace

Dreams of Wonderful lands,

Dreams of never ending days

Dreams of friendship,

Dreams of eternal love

The Swan! September 11/08

At mid lake.
the morning mist
shapeless at first
gently transforming
a shadow against the morning sun

A Swan gracefully circles
Creating gentle waves
To my amazement out the remaining mist
A companion, the sun slowly rises
As they gently greet, a caress.

A dance, circling one another.
Slow, romantic, an ache for more.
A timeless feel, yet the sun still rises.
As they head off in the distance.
only remaining the trailing gentle waves.





This Poem was Written in Dedications to: French Composer Camille Saint Saens for his composition "The Swan" From "Carnival Of Animals" you can listen to this composition here at the bottom of the page its a Windows Media Plugin






Click Here

Do you regret! September 10/08

Yes I regret,
What we regret today, is a reminder of yesterday
Yesterday we might have been a person
we do not want to be today

so do remember the past
remember our former
not wanting to relapse and forget.
Unless we regret.

Insecurity! September 08/08

Insecure Insecurity
Discomforting to live with Insecurity
Held in a box
Afraid, of a knock
to step outside
to step aside
to say hello
to say good bye
Insecure, Insecurity

Fear has a grasp
may this not last
I must abide
and hold it inside
To live my life

I' am Late for work

Good Time! September 06/08

If you get this in time
give me a rhythm, and a chime
maybe if you have time
we can incline
to have a good time

Who is this! Septmeber 05/08

Who is this i see
his eyes focused so intensely
oh what does he wonder
to look over and yonder
a smirk a smile a flirtatious grin.

Who is this i see
handsome, and charming.
made of warmth, smiles.
leaving a very good,
very good,
feeling looking at you

Let Me Call You! September 02/08

We are about to meet

lets take it on the upbeat

So tell me a time

so I can give you a rhythm

well more like a chime

Let me call you

to say hello

Let me call you

to say goodbye

Let me call you

It about time

we talk to each other

other than online

we are about to meet!

take it on the upbeat

So tell me a time

let me give a chime

or was it a rhythm O.o

Let me call you :D

Not a Requirement! Septmeber 02/08

A sun ray glow fills my heart

A crescent moon smile when text message chimes

and with every compliment the though of long nights, cold winter and beautiful summer

spent in each other arms.

Riding magic carpets to cloud nine

the universe so aligned

smiles as big as the crescent moon smiles

When I think of you

Infinite possibilities.

Love!

I Implored

Who said anything about it.

Great Expectations,

Rocket scientific calculations

Great Imaginations and spiritual equations

not a requirement.

Are we so apart, alone, detached

that when souls meet we say love.

Conversation is an art, art is better shared

with a companion a friend.

So if we do not arrive at the magic carpet station at the same time

nor a sun ray fill our heart, or smile as big as a crescent moon smiles

and the season are passed in others arms.

Then let a partial sun light fill our heart

and smile like orange slices

ride the magic carpets to cloud 7

and pass the season partially in our arms

Because I know, at the least I have a friend.

Proud! Septmeber 02/08

Aryan proud is his step.

Sharp is his look.

Educated is his mind.

Noble is he, for no one will dare doubt that.

Aryan lives in a skyscraper of a home.

Has many beautiful things.

Travels around the world.

I am you servant noble man.

I am not well educated.

I do not have the sharpest of looks.

Noble never will I be.

My house is quaint.

My thing are simple.

Aryan

Arrogant, yet you do not see we are one.

I have been your servant since we were conceived, predestined to meet

We are same age, I came with my parent to your home when we were young boys.

Proud Aryan don't you see.

I've seen you grow up, I've seen your parent ignore you, not love you, not care for you.

Yet you do not know me.

my parents were to busy to love me and care for me.

We are the same.

Because I feel your pain

Aryan, I know your secret you know mine.

We are the same.

Not by nobility

True!

Our pain is universal, do not fool yourself.

Aryan be no more

Be proud of who you are, but if you know by nobility you are better than your peer, do not look down on him. Because pain, fear, love, hate, is universal, and we are all bound by it.

Aryan- usually used to describe a certain race but after WWII when Germans used it during the war to name a superior race it took a negative connotation, sorta meaning Arrogant, superior in this poem, and not so much as a race

The Heart! August 31/08

Transforming heart

forming layers of passion

crashing into deep red waves

like walls against the obscured molten metal of crash test dummies

just as dumb. Hearts, lovers, passionate companions, ride into the altered states of mind, blast off, cloud nine, cloud nine.

rising higher, high, rising to a zenith of beautiful twinkling sky. Calm...and peace...moments of weightlessness, LOVE.

Rising higher trying to reach new heights, to high , stop, stop, critical red, and stalled

like a shooting star of sunset hues

your heart come crashing through atmospheric pressure of reality

your mind like the LBJ space center

come in! come in!

They do not love you

they do not care for you

they have no interest in you

You burn up, crash into the sea of the salty tears of your eyes.

You check and re-check, wondering, and ponder, and yearn for that...that is not there

what have i done wrong

what have i done wrong

where could i have gone wrong

Transforming heart

forming the remaining layers of pain

crashing into waves of sorrow

like walls against the obscure molten metal of crash test dummies

as dumb, as allowing....hearts, lovers, and passionate companions, fall for...hearts, lovers and passionate companion...whose heart love a heart that is not yours.

Heart Break!

Bait! August 31/08

I find it odd, painful, distracting knowing that you express your feeling towards an individual, hoping they feel the same.

Then you realize by there action, words exchanged, text, that indeed they feel the same. Then a difficult reality slap you in the face that person although like your personality, qualities, and any form of your disposition. They cannot return that love because they are still waiting for someone else. Left on a hook, like bait as fishes that believe have a chance truly not knowing that your god is the fisherman, controlling there heart that has been left there to hang.

Makes me a bit angry you do not leave those who you love behind. This of course is my opinion. If you happen to leave, leave them with the ability to move on.

Lost In Your Eyes! August 23/08

Hearts meet blind to truth

and for a moment lost in time

insignificant rhyme put to memories

because nothing beats being close to you

Time is just a glimpse lost in memory

when thoughts of the many thing we can do

Lost in your eyes

every time we meet

I get lost in your eyes

Love on parchment inking through

as though my heart is bleeding through

nothing but the though of you

time is racing fast seem not enough for you

Lost in your eyes

every time we meet

i get lost in your eyes

My Hero! August 19/08

Oh Love where are thee, My Love.
Eye's burning bright like the sun.
O How I'd give it all for u my love, and when darkness falls remember this song, and my voice with guide you.

O how can such a being exist on this planet, and when darkness falls remember this song and my voice will guide you.

Fallen from the heavens you must have, and when thought return remember this song and my voice with guide you.

Gay Lesbian Bisexual Tranny, Faggot, Homo, Queer, Dyke, Freak August 13/08

I don't believe or remember myself ever talking about the subject or even recall saying that I'm Queer, note the capital Q, yes as in a person; a human being. After all that's what we are, yet I never realized how many of us are still scared to walk out the door, scared to be found out, afraid of being who we are. Recently I created a poll on being gay, and there is one particular question I asked in which 60% of homosexual, bisexual, Lesbian, and trans alike answered, "I'm not out because of peoples hatred and cruelty". It's 2008 and we are still afraid to even come out. I have lived 10 years being out and I'm a few that found the strength to come out, and I have lived it blindingly. Making myself believe that the GLBT community has been more accepted that being gay is hardly taboo anymore. How ignorant could I be, when 60% of the GLBT community still feels that they can't even be themselves without backlash. Even though 70% of them feel, or to more accurately state hope that in 5 years GLBT community will be widely accepted, and I hope so too. Yet the fact that we are afraid of our own Government, if your asking yourself how i dejected that from a small survey, well because it is obvious to me that we are afraid of our own shadow because the united states and our congress and senate have not given us enough rights as American further more as people to not be afraid to walk outside. I am not saying there isn't people that are working towards that common goal, but is it enough, or will we be forced to always live in fear? For my sake and the sake of all my community I hope we find a solution and fast, because I'm growing tire of being a second class citizen, when just like every american, I work for my home and work to keep a stable family, and pay my taxes. If the government feel it can take my money so it can accept me for who I am. I cannot express my anger anymore, than to say that we need to stand together and with our voices and the only real currency we have our vote destroy the barriers of hate. No human, No American, No one should be afraid of their Government, government should be afraid of us, the people.

Going! August 04/08

I am going, going, crazy in between the walls of My

Mind. Fuck sometimes i feel like i need to get out more do more with my freaking self that I am capable what the fuck is wrong with me thats why i say to myself often. Why the fuck arent i pushing myself? and i honestly dont know, but im trying but when that trying stop is what fucking scares the shit out of me. Sooooo now you know why the fuck im going crazy i feel like im stuck frozen in time and although its moving im not, and that my friends is fucking frustrating.

Crazy Anger! June 02/08

if my blog wasn't virtual, but sheet of papper gathered in some type of collectiong, and a great catastrophy would happened and the remanents of human life would come upong it. They would surely say that I'm crazy. I oftne try to keep my self in check keep my self mental healty, I try to analyze the many feeling and many thought that go through my brain and somtimes stick with it and somtimse i just don't give a shit. Because i feel I am los tin a world where everything is the same everything has to be a ceratin way. We as people have to follow a ceratin patht ot be regarded as successful and seen as happy individual. I don't share taht vision that vision is curropted to me because ther are situation in which a person can not help themselfs situation which throws people of that supposed course. So with that said FUCK YOU! if you believe that we have to live a certain way. there will be a time when something so great will happedn to you and you will know the difference.

I Find It! April 28/08

It's easy to die, to end your life, that realization came to me today. I never stopped to think about how easy it is to give it all up. Living, is the difficult part of life, learning how to go through life, through the many changes. Adepting, is not an easy task for most of us, for some we learn quickly conforming. I ask my self where do i fit in, in the great circle, picture or call it what you will of things. I can't find that answer and although most would say that is the search for the meaning of life, I disagree I don't want to know my purpose but want to know where, what path is the right one. Who cares what my purpose is anyways I like my life as it is at this very moment. So why the deep thoughts you might ask. Well because I have failed to change certain aspect of my self and I say to myself "Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I thought" but it sure dosen't feel that way.

Shadows! January 25/08

Do not be fooled.

by mere shadows

there is only one

True Shadow,

My soul and mind, my being,

casting light on walls, casting shadows.

Balance.

The reason I am,

My heart has warmth, and is balanced by the cold darkness.

And even in death,

I might be sleeping but will live forever.

I trust my darkness to carry my will.

My being.

Watch! see.

I shall rise and ascend into Arcadia for I am the one and only.

Darkness.

Arcadian Forever.

Death! January 23/08

Why fear death?

Do you?

I don't.

Most of us would argue that it is not death that we fear, but the fear that we leave the people we hold so dearly to our hearts.

That is partial to me, I fear that my death would bring a great misery to another, and I would not wish that on anyone.

May you, who know me and hold a place for me in your heart know; that i live with you forever even in death. So do not miss me for i will not allow it.

Death I fear you not.

If you would take me now know that i have lived my live how it should be lived and regret nothing for the things we do in our lives is what shapes us

I Had! January 23/08

I had something to write about, I did and most times it's poetic, a bit dramatic, and neo-shakesperean. I was going to comment on people on myspace and wonder why add someone or accept someones request if your not going to talk. I feel an urge of pointlessness if that's a word. What i mean by pointless is that you expect that the people that you send friend request at least took time to read your small bio, to take time and learn about you. By all mean i am not blinding myself or am I, it myspace popularity ecstatic highschool dramatics to a point all over again. Why am I to expect differently, who am I to demand these things from people, well I am not but wanted to speak my mind. I can only be more cautious the next time around.

That my two cent...

You try! December 23/07

Pleasing people in life, there are times it seems as although, words fall on deaf ears. as if though listening were a sin.

Lovers, balancing emotional elephants, for an ear or a hand or gentle caress.

As the years dawn on you, trying is not a possibility but the action of compassion of ears, and sounds of consonants and vowels are a requirement.

Algebraic equations, and astronomical physics not mandatory. How then can a loved one, think naively to the understanding of the other when most coveted, it is missing.

Yet expectancy is a requirement from the half that has not given nothing but devoted seasons, traversing what seems dangerous mountains, dungeon and even draconian monster of the past.

How my heart aches.

it aches because for my understanding there is no time

it aches because you have allowed other to repair what could have been repaired centuries ago

it aches because when my heart needed mending you are not there

it aches because darkness has fallen upon me and i have no light to guide me.

Oh! how it aches, I cannot bare this pain.

How confounded am I.

that thoughts of nothing run through me blank pages of blank neutrons and protons run and course through my nervous system to the very mass which is my brain.

What am i suppose to do?

As if it were easy to ignore!!!

I think not, not because i can't but this time is not a first, it has been so for years, and i have hope that a change had occur, but i see no difference.

Oh ! I try and my heart still aches, this feelings of angst i cannot shake no more.

Anger! December 21/07

Never ceasing to suprise me

Human Nature

Children bickering

Strangaling egos even when they have grown old

We can't settle our difference without argument

Are we savages?

I slowly lose hope

I failed to grasp that we can tear each other part

over what? human nature simple mistakes and miscommunication

Sadness flows through the veins of the earth

How the spirits laugh at us

For we are ridiculous

For our sins we will surely die the same way

Because we cannot understand one another

Do not take the word of my soul

One only has to look outside there window

As the building crumble all around

Deviant! December 18/07

They say we are deviants
From a standard mentality

I say! define for me a standard from a standard
for who is to say what we are

We have a right in the eyes of individuality
We choose our perception of standards

Let die the man who enforces standards upon our minds
for he will not suffer a death of physical planes
but a death in the realm of mentality

For no one will call us deviants longer...
Not because the ever lasting bigotry will decimate
but because as a people we will show them our strengths
and they will fall under there own social outcasting

And they shall remember when they said we were deviants
realizing the only deviants were them.

In the desert is where it ends! December 14/07

A evening walk through the desert....

A most common thing, for me and the people of my city.

For it intertwines like natural landscape, at times distances short and some long.

Walking through the desert, is where the world ends.

He spoke to me! In dreams.

Falling gently to the ground as though it was my comfort
A Rock for my head, sand for my body, is where it ends.

Prophetic vision, paralyzed by them as he verbalized them, as I lie amongst the wild life.

Amongst that what to humanity once was there bed, there source of nutrient, the way of living.

Vision of destruction, of sorrow, as abstracted acute hostile civilization an assailment! brought to our world.

To our life, our way of living...all that we have known ends here, in a desert.

Where the dieing sun rays paint pink and orange red hues, as city light like stars in the distance.

A gentle breeze upon the face, is where it ends.

As we're exterminated one by one...