Very deep emotional confusion

I do not know what good my post will be, but I hope it helps someone, just enough to make them realize that it is not worth taking your life over a few bigoted minded individuals. Yes, I'm sadden that this month is a poster for death. So many young gay males committing suicide over senseless bullying from their peers. America needs to step back and realize that this hatred has to stop. That the hate you harbor for someone might as well be a loaded weapon. Your life is worth it I promise! thing will change do not let them win WE WILL WIN and we are entitled to every benefit anyone else in this country has. IF YOUR GAY AND QUESTIONING OR NEED HELP CALL 1-866-4-U-TREVOR 1-866-488-7386

Science: Proof that God Exist

I often laugh when I'm asked this question. I also laugh when anyone challenge me to prove that God exist. No one can prove or disapprove that he does exist it is an infinite he said/she said situation. One often thinks of choosing sides. I'm not here to convince you, I'm here to state my reason why I believe in God.

The first proof of Gods existence is the ability of a God to doubt himself to instill that doubt and to allow you to make up your mind.

Why would God allow you to doubt him if he is so great, if he is filled with infinite wisdom, love and compassion. Why not allow us all to experience that? Do we gain respect from our colleagues at work, or from our peers by just allowing everyone to experience what we have to offer as coworker, friends, or a lover? I find that most will answer "no" to this question. We work hard to earn the respect of our boss, our peers by leading by proving to them that we are worthy of all that we say, and do. Equally God does not want just anyone to experience his love, wisdom, and compassion. You must earn his respect, through the ups and downs of life.

True faith is faith that is lost and regained, it is straying from the road and reflecting on the errors and committing a change. One will argue that this is psychological that it is a normal process of life, and psychology is considered a science a science that proves the existence of God. Because it is a universal form of suffrage. We all suffer some how, some more ways than others. It proves that because we are human we are connected, and the only way I can attest to this connection is because we connect through God, even those who choose to remain Godless.

So why would God allow those that remain godless still experience that human connection one might ask? I though they had to earn the respect of God? I ask you, do you like all your co-workers/friend/neighbors, most likely not its rare, yet we tend to try to get along with them and sometimes we must to be productive. Unlike us God does not annoyingly hate us, or annoying say " I guess I have to talk to you to be productive" God does this with compassion and always allows us to return to the path. Always giving us a chance to realize that he is there.

Most would call the "Human Connection" Instinct, and equally animal instinct. Animals only do what they are programmed to do one might think, that they have no idea of god. Someone had to program them to do what they do? Just like our genetics is our human code, it is there because it is our program that God laid out for us. Genetics a program built by God, proof that science is God.

Just like genetics, weather, animals, and nature have cycles, a program one could say. That program that connection all leads up to God. Which all connects through us, by the existence of water. Every living thing on earth requires some type of water to grow. Even if in small quantities.

Finally when you love someone, when you hear your favorite song. That joyful feeling we get, from visiting a friend. The connection and compassion we experience from other people that is the ultimate proof that God exist. Only someone so powerful could have allowed us to feel such complex emotions and feeling that we hardly understand.

"I was an atheist at one time. And like many atheists, the issue of people believing in God bothered me greatly. What is it about atheists that we would spend so much time, attention, and energy refuting something that we don't believe even exists?! What causes us to do that? When I was an atheist, I attributed my intentions as caring for those poor, delusional people...to help them realize their hope was completely ill-founded. To be honest, I also had another motive. As I challenged those who believed in God, I was deeply curious to see if they could convince me otherwise. Part of my quest was to become free from the question of God. If I could conclusively prove to believers that they were wrong, then the issue is off the table, and I would be free to go about my life.

I didn't realize that the reason the topic of God weighed so heavily on my mind, was because God was pressing the issue. I have come to find out that God wants to be known. He created us with the intention that we would know him. He has surrounded us with evidence of himself and he keeps the question of his existence squarely before us. It was as if I couldn't escape thinking about the possibility of God. In fact, the day I chose to acknowledge God's existence, my prayer began with, "Ok, you win..." It might be that the underlying reason atheists are bothered by people believing in God is because God is actively pursuing them" -Marilyn Adamson

Lady Gaga Alejandro, She does it again

Lady Gaga does it again. Alejandro is bold and contains imagery that will stimulate the mind of any who dare watch this racy video. The music video start with a military like scene as it moves on to a very dark gothic view of gaga, in a very outspoken what can only be describe as a cyber-gothic dress. What follows is a bit of controversy a coffin carried by a group of military men as she carries a heart, these military like images and the men who portray them in her video can been seen as a slap to the U.S. Military Policy of "Don't Ask, Don't tell" and this is apparent through the video as the men portraying the army of gaga rub off as gay. It is also apparent by Gaga's comment on Larry King where she stated that Alejandro is a "homoerotic military theme".

Lady Gaga also stated to king that "I struggle with my feelings about the Church in particular....in terms of religion, I'm very religious. I was raised Catholic. I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I'm very spiritual. I pray very much. But at the same time, there is no one religion that doesn't hate or speak against or be prejudiced against another racial group or religious group, or sexual group. For that, I think religion is also bogus. So I suppose you could say I'm a quite religious woman that is very confused about religion. And I dream and envision a future where we have a more peaceful religion or a more peaceful world, a more peaceful state of mind for the younger generation. And that's what I dream for." Which might explain the Catholic images in Alejandro, it might suggest that it is a reference to how the catholic church demonizes gays. Besides all the controversy that this video might cause watching Alejandro could be compared to watching "Like a Prayer", "Vogue", and "Justify my Love" on a visual basis. As a gay man Alejandro is just an amazing video despite if it might seem controversial and polarizing It makes me want to dance, and admire gaga's support for her "little monsters". I'm not afraid to say that make me feel special in some way, and in many ways make me thankful to have artist that can recognize what we are about. If anything Alejandro is a video that can't be ignored and is a must watch even if you hate Gaga.

Lady Gaga Alejandro, She does it again

AN AMAZING VIDEO, AN AMAZING SONG I LOVE IT.

Five ways the Lotto would change my life

How would winning the lottery would change my life, one can only say drastically it wouldn't only change my life but those of the less fortunate. I believe I'm a giving person, and have always been. I do not lack anything in life materialistically speaking. Some will argue that to want is the same as lacking, but we all want, Who doesn't? In life i might not have much money, but I'm full of happiness, friends and love.

The First Way winning the lottery would change my life is I would be able to finally help others in a massive scale. Living in a poor income city where 26% of the city population live below poverty and 24% are at poverty level and 20% are low income, 20% are medium wealth family and finally approximately 10% are wealthy. All these statistic are from the census burea and supporting sites.I've said to my self winning the lottery would allow me to donate to the local mission center as much as the government allows me and as much as is feasible to donate based on lottery amount. 1 million dollars over a couple of years could feed and help the homeless for awhile.
I would follow that by starting my own foundation to help those with families of 2 or more who are low-income and below, in any way we could. I would hold fundraiser function held every year to replenish that money. I'm not naive and claiming that it will help all the estimated 51% who are low income and below, but I can make some impact.

The second way winning the lottery would affect me, is I would now be able to start a business or make business deals that would entice other types of industries and entertainment that the city lacks due to its view on what type of industry we allow. Our local government see it this way if its not industrial or production industry they will rarely approve of them building their business here. In the past 20 years we have lost Sea World, Six Flags, Gap Inc headquarters, and a sports center. Because it did not reflect what the city needs, because they could extend tax cut to these business for a couple of year. This city and its government always complains about job creation but when we don't push our government to accept new lines of industry this city will never grow.

The third way winning the lottery would affect me is by expanding its arts and cultures areas. There are so many talented artist, and musicians, but is so poorly funded. The city of Marfa ,Texas a city of a population of 2121 has a better artist funded based culture than a city of 700,000. Another foundation to help the arts came to mind. To restate I'm not naive I know that all the money in the world couldn't help everyone but I can make an effort. Its all about trying, and I would put forward my effort.

The running stretch the fourth way winning the lottery would help me, is I can also provide a better more organized LGBT community block and center. Starting a business that would entice more venues, more sponsors, and most importantly provide money for the AIDS hospice the needed money they need. Not to mention to provide information for parents and gay teens, when the suicide for gay teens ranges between 35-40 percent that is a shocking percentage. Yet again a foundation to help those teens who run away, provide them a shelter center where they feel welcome. Again I have big hope for the world but believe me when I say this I'm not naive.

Finally depending on lottery amount I estimate the previous cost to be around 20-50 million dollars with a lottery amount of 112 million usually on powerball I would invest the rest, invest in simply home, help my immediate friends and family in need. I would continue to donate to my city and nationally when possible. I would visit many places and wonders of the world.

Horror Of Unemployment

The cool filtered air conditioner rushes against my face again. I stand there lost like a gerbil or a mouse trying to detect the scent of retail, service, or office management. I walk forward to the over-cheery looking customer service desk, or a long nailed un-attentive secretary. After a short pause a monotonous drone greeting, "can I help you?" Equally a drone like respond, My name is Salome Soto (you may insert your name here), I'm scheduled for an interview at this time, a time which for me, and many Americans will mean whether we will be able to pay rent on time, or the electric bill or whether we will have enough to serve the next meal to our children. Even though in our heart we hope that this is our last interview after countless months of searching, we cannot express how much this job means to us. "US" 9.7% of the united states population, how can we say that things have gotten better, what is .3% to the rest of 9.7%? They are like me, countless bus rides, drives and Internet jobs search engines. Like lions of the Serengeti waiting for their prey, our prey is the help wanted sign against a clean shinning window that only reflect the sorrow of the many who will not be hired.

Countless time I've walked into these shiny glass plastered walls that are business, offices, and services buildings. I walk with my head held high I often pause in the waiting room as I psych myself up "I'm gonna get this job, I'm well qualified" I look down at my resume and read and reread my qualifications. I say to myself 10 years of customer service experience with 2 years of assistant management experience with 4 years of team leading experience, I say to myself "even if I have to start at the bottom I'm willing" I have no remorse. I will not let unemployment bring me down, the internal monologue of many as we sit at a lobby for our names to be called. Each time we fill the blank fields on an Internet application. Each time we slowly, perfectly, scribble down information with black filled ink on a crisp paper application. I turn my thought inwardly, even if it is fast food its better than nothing, even if it's an associate position its better than nothing, even if its construction, or entry level desk job, it must be better than having nothing. I don't mind not being a team lead or assistant management, we are in need. It's what many say, as they fill out application after application, it is what we think as we wake up every morning hoping to hear that phone ring to hear a person on the other end "You got the position". Hoping that this time will be the last time we have to worry about how we are going to pay for gas, pay for our bills, pay for our food. Hoping it's the last time we must beg to a close friends or family for spare change.

This is what I have experienced, and I often doubt my qualification, my experience and I often wonder if I'm even a valuable asset, and after I have been turned down several times, there are time where I've wanted to give up. These experiences are bruises on my esteem and on my soul. I patiently wait as our government sets a course for what potentially can could be the difference between me being homeless or not, the difference between me going into debt or not. I cannot live on hope alone, my faucet is drying. The heat of unemployment has dried most of my reserves. I lost my job 12 months ago I on average submitted 10 applications per week or more. An approximate total of 520 a year, I have been living on my small savings, credit cards and hand out from my friends and family. I'm on my last limb, I will not give up. I am an unemployed service worker spending over 6 hours a day committed to work searches, hunts and interviews. Which has lead to nowhere; do I feel currently there are chances of me being employed? No I feel I have no chance. Because as one business told me, "because we prefer those with no experience, so we can mold them into our way of work", Because I cost too much unlike someone without experience. These are the few truths that I must face every day. That they have become my nightmares in daylight. Until recently I was lucky to have made a friend unknown to my knowledge for about 6 month that she was a General Manager at service related field that when she asked about my situation not previous knowing it. It is not something one discloses so openly. She offered me a job after reviewing my qualification and am just awaiting the day where I can shatter my nightmares and finally become a productive member of society once more. I hope its soon.

Leaning on the gates of hell

This month has been hell for my partner and I, this also includes my closets friends. Things haven't gone right is all. Because my closet friends are my roommates as well, and our luck we all got laid off, and or hospitalized. Now were short on rent and some of our bill but we still have hope luckily but that is not to say it doesn't suck. On the good side tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Mark and I. On another good note thanks to our good friend that won 2 meal to the best buffet in the sun city she gave us the two passes and now we get to enjoy ourselves. We truly are blessed to have great friends.


Finally have you ever discovered things about your city that you never knew existed? well I did today and its a good things too because well Im writing a small article about our local film festivals that I did not know we even had. Hope this helps them out.

Stressed out

It been almost three months since I've blogged and there is no short coming in dilemmas that I'm facing. The question I ask is, should one be selfish and look after their own well being or should one consider the feelings of others at all times this is a huge dilemma for I have tough myself to caring. There are disadvantages and advantages to my dilemma, which I should proceed to reveal now. I have two choice I can choose to not be selfish and go with an original plan set out with a few of my trusted and good friends and move in a three bedroom apartment that is relatively far away from work. I have been unemployed for several years now due to various reason. Now that I'm back to the workforce the issue is that I need to retain this job to live unlike previous years where it was optional for me to work due to various reason that are irrevelant to my current dilemma. So should i choose to move very close to work, such as a walking distance away, since I lack transportation or should I consider the original plan. Although I could save money on rent, the other advantage is that if anything should happen as a lay off it be easier for me to pay for rent in that case with any money i save. The disadvantage is well limited privacy and the length that I have to car pool to work. Not to mention that its taking longer than I expected for this plan to follow through. Which brings me to my real issue the internal battle of the human soul and human emotion. Fear, fear that I will fail at being able to provide for myself, and unlike most who have their family to fall back on that is not an option for me as I lack that connection for now over 10 years. I wouldn't know how to contact anyone that could help or provide such help such as helping me live until I am back to solid ground.

I suppose this is where we are all connected when we feel that our creator is playing the biggest game and you wonder why, and you just hope that even though one might feel that, that you are given all the right tools to rise against all odds. Anyways I'm sure this post is sufficient in length and I will sleep on it. Gladly like all post it has help ease the mind a bit, plus i'm tired.