No Sleep September 13/06

haven't been able to sleep and it sucks I wish I could but I havent lately something is probably on my chest and my body doesnt know how to deal with it, so its stays up trying to figure it out in a way that my mind has no idea in deep thought hiddne in shadows of multiple array of thoughts of many colors subjects and fantasies, I want to dream havent had a dream in along while the wind has been calling lately so gently blowing calling telling me something that I can't seem to understand it speak yet nothing comes to thought, I get anxious feeling because im so fustrated with my mi nd not bein able to slow down not being able to listen not being able to execute a simple task. I hate it. I sit here and stay up late when I know I shouldn't sit and make myself tired so that I may be able to sleep not even a sleeping pill is helping and it keeps coming and coming it devours my mind these racing thoughts that I can't get rid of, I feel that im in between worlds, crossing with out care, with out notice, which is dangerous, meditation is much needed but something stops me, and my mind is so slow right now its in a mix binded with its own self concious programing that it cannot be stopped or not yet im trying and trying but i guess i havent stepped up to that plate, im lacking that ability which normaly i do not lack, and it kills me slowly and kills me softly, kills me so much that I can't shake off that horrible feeling of nothingness.