Sad October 25/06

Sometimes I feel as thought I am falling, and the cave im falling in it seems there is no end. There are times when hitting rock bottom would seem better than dealling with what is in my enviorment. I hurt at times, inside, deep inside there are these feelings that just are stagnet and don't let go. These feelings I hate because they make my life seem to spiral deeper into a pitch black darkness of nothing. The problem is that people have taken advantage of me. I had a crush on a boy in high school and I told him that I liked him and he knew that he liked me inside, because it showed in his actions yet he was mean to me he made fun of me along with other horrible things. People say why do you even remember things like that, it was high school people were so immature, its not that, because i know we were all stupid it is that your trust was betrayed and what you thought, wasn't the truth. In reality I have never had friends can you imagine that? not one single friend people in life go from primary school to high school and eventually to college, and along the way they have at least one good friend that they had made since they started school. Me on the other hand no one throught the years kept notice of me no one tried contacting me no one did anything of the sort, and its not like I did make friends in high school i had over 20 friends, but all turned to be fake, but no one kept in touch Yet I tried, but for a failed nothing. This I believe is where my social anxiety comes from, people have made me be afraid of them that I can't even be near one and if I am its takes alot to do it, I have to loose my self in my mind to be able to do that, but that side of me I do not like the reckless side the side that would do virtualt anything, and I'm not about to let it control my life. Becuase I'm not going to be one of them gays that parties all the time and when the party is over they have nothing to amount for. Im going to try to be more than that, some say you need to balance your self, it is easier said then done. I love life and it is harder than I expected. They say that you have a life number and that the higher it goes the higher your life is 9 being significant because it is the number where you start to become a higher being where the spirit purifies it self with hardship so much making ready for the next life my life number is 9 and at times I wonder man if that theory is true. I have gone up and down, you can read all of my entries at http://wowaweb.blogspot.com its my old journal and you will all learn my life and How difficult it has been. Thank you for those that give me support i appreciated